Developing and identifying goals is the learning outcome that I focused on this month. This outcome is important for me because it is one that I struggle with. Because I struggle with it I have made it a priority.
Some background to my struggle with goal making begins in middle school. I come from a family that has no money, or education. I come from a family of drug addicts/dealers, prostitutes, abusers, swingers, and felons. Higher Education is not something that was expected of me, but it is something that I aspired to do. When I was in middle school I made a goal. This goal was “I am going to get out, I am going to go to college and never look back.” As I grew up this became less and less of a goal and more of an obsession. I dropped gym classes for more academic course work. I took two mathematics classes at a time so that I could take college mathematics. I took summer school and independent study. I volunteered over 500 hours at the local hospital alone and more through the local Kwanis Club. Every decision I made was to get me closer to my goal. I wanted to be the most attractive perspective freshman, so that I could get accepted into a college and so I could get scholarships. My hard work paid off because I got three scholarships and I was accepted into Iowa State. When I started at Iowa State I was so happy, I was in a state of bliss but there was something wrong. I didn’t know what to do next. I had worked seven years to get to college and now that I’ve gotten here I’m lost. The goal I had set for myself was so strong and set in stone, but what comes after has been a mystery to me. When I make goals for myself I am always unsure of myself and my choices, in fear that if I fail then I will end up in the same place as my family. So instead of making decisions I procrastinate which in the end is making a decision not to do anything. For example I could apply for internships to work on my professional development but I am scared of where that might take me so I contemplate the decision for a long time, so long that I miss the deadline to apply.
The thought of failure is so strong that it keeps me from making and keeping myself accountable for my goals.
Too be continued
